How often do you ask yourself what you want?
Most of the time we’re thinking about the To Do list, the tasks needed to get through the days (work, family, commitments), or worse, what we feel we “should” do, meaning, what others or society say is right for us.
But what would life look like if you seriously considered the question, and got real on a heart and soul level?
I’ve been thinking about this as we’re barreling toward January. I know what’s on deck - India, then the NGO project, writing, finishing up my coaching certification - but other than that it’s a blank slate.
That sounds like a lot, I know! And it is. But I’m talking about desires on a more fundamental level. The stuff below the projects, what brings a deeper experience of joy and satisfaction.
And I realized something: what I want more of is less.
Which is hilarious considering next year could be my busiest in more than a decade. But hear me out. I’ve been tossing around the phrase “strip it all down,” without really thinking about why that phrase seems so important lately.
It brings up memories of when I’ve felt the freest. Running around my grandparents’ farm as a kid, while the adults did adult things in the background and left me alone. When I moved to Taos and hadn’t gotten a job yet, and I lived in a rented casita with a futon, yoga mat, boom box, and bicycle. Any road trip where I’m out exploring, leaving everything behind that belongs to me. (!)
Themes are few physical belongings and no commitments, meaning I’ve felt freest when my life is the exact opposite of what it is now. (The kid thing is because my hypercritical father cut me slack when we were away, letting me be a kid and do kid stuff. Which is interesting for us both. And yes, there is a memoir about Dad that needs writing at some point.)
The longing for that feeling of freedom is so deep it makes me cry. When did I lose it? When did life start feeling so… heavy? I don’t think it’s as simple as saying when I started accumulating stuff - real estate, possessions. Or that I don’t want to work. I’ve always worked, and love it. It’s core to my sense of self.
For me the heaviness started long before the actual heavy stuff happened (Dad’s death, disease, etc.), but now it feels like I’m waking up after a long, fitful sleep. Shaking off the dust, putting on the coffee, and mixing metaphors like crazy. :)
So, I’m thinking about less. Simplicity. Clarity. Freedom. That’s what I’m going for in 2024. How? No idea. But for now I’m going to keep that glorious free feeling, of being a kid, of that spare casita, of being on the road in my heart, a flickering flame of hope and direction. (And maybe even getting on the road, for crying out loud.)
Could I have a busiest year but also a simple year? I don’t know, but I aim to find out.
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For most of my life, I've waited for a day with nothing to do, nothing planned--only the time to chase ideas, with a walk downtown maybe, or to see an afternoon movie or to check out the library (pun intended). I've had a few such days after retiring, but by two in the afternoon, with infinite possibilities spidering out in every direction, I coast to a stop, unable to get started down any path. That's when I get rear-ended by everything I should be doing. Great thoughts Deonne! Really enjoy the blog!
Once again, you have me thinking about things. I also don’t know what 2024 will bring. And I also think about my childhood. Playing outside, after rain in the summer, standing under a tree and shaking the branch to get the water on you. We have lots to discuss on our trip and first on Christmas Day.